A few of you have been asking did I receive my book from Mr Thorne – in reference to our elongated discussions (here). The simple and short answer is – no. This is despite numerous more emails to the Davemiester, as I’m sure nobody calls him. In fact things took a very interesting turn indeed.
What did I have to do to try and get my ever elusive book to finally arrive and have Mr Thorne get all uppity? I’m glad you asked….
Subject: RE: Your payment to David Thorne
Date: Mon, 12 July 2010 08:33:30 +1000
Can I call you Dave? No? OK.
Long time, no abuse. Did you miss me? Because I missed you. Random question, do you like history?
In 1916 Woodrow Wilson promised to keep the US out of World War 1.
In 1940 Franklin Roosevelt promised to keep the US out of World War 2.
In 1987 Bob Hawke promised, “By 1990, no Australian child will be living in poverty”.
In 1988 George Herbert W Bush promised, “Read my lips, no new taxes.”
In 1989 Kim Wilkinson promised me she’d let me feel up her boobs.
What do all these things have in common? They’re all broken promises.
In 2010 David Thorne promised “I am sending you a personal copy, to the Queen Street address.”
So, anyway, getting back to the Star Wars action figure story, after the devastation that was the C3-PO saga, I picked myself up and concentrated on the ones I had left. Now, any budding ten year old at the time would advise that you were obliged to have at least one Luke Skywalker in your collection (mine was the cool black clad one from Jedi). I mean, if you didn’t, it would be like having a porn collection without at least one movie with Ron Jeremy in it. Although, that probably wasn’t an analogy we used at the time. Any kid in the know would tell you Bobba Fett was the shit. Paul Lazarus wasn’t let anywhere near Bobba. I mean, come on, he had a jet pack! Nothing’s cooler than a jet pack. OK, maybe a monkey riding a dinosaur shooting lasers. That’s slightly cooler. Just. No self respecting kid (well, except the ones that grew up idolising vacuum cleaners and the collected works of Barbra Streisand) would ever possess a Princess Leia figure. Although, for an action figure, her breasts were abnormally large.
Which leads us back to Kim Wilkinson.
Anyway, have a nice, you know.
At least I received a quick – if not overly humorous response from our mate Dave:
David Thorne (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: Tuesday, 13 July 2010 11:16:56 AM
3 to 5 days shipping after ordered (working days) plus 10 to 14 days (working days) equals how many days before Mr Sinclair receives his book?
David Thorne 27bslash6
Now, the astute amongst you will notice something about his reply – it was directed at the publishers…yet it was addressed to me. 10 to 14 days later….
Hello my old friend!
I’ve being doing some maths – I know, it does my head in too. Well, you see, in year twelve I received a whopping 35% for maths…..that’s good right?
Anyway, back to me.
I did some research on the interwebs and found that the average speed of the Australian tortoise (it’s called “tortoise” as it has feet (including webbed feet) while a “turtle” has flippers – and you didn’t think you’d learn anything today…….) is .27 km/h. That’s around 6.48 kilometres per day.
I ordered your good book (I call it that, but not having received it, it’s a bit hard to tell) on the 23rd of March. That’s some 4 months, 17 days ago. If you had strapped the book on the back of an Australian tortoise, travelling the 728 kilometres between Melbourne and Adelaide, it would have taken said tortoise (I like to think he would be called Mr Winkey) some 112.4 days. Sure, that’s if he didn’t stop for a sleep, a cigarette or those notorious tortoise hookers, but that’s not a bad way to see the country. Given that it has been some 139 days since I ordered the book, I think the tortoise delivery service (TDS) would be more reliable, and let’s face it, a lot more fun.
Some would call me a stickler. Some would say I should just let the whole thing go. But you know me well enough by now (I consider us best friends, I hope you do too!) that a little thing like letting this go is beyond me. You may as well ask me not to picture Chewbacca in a bikini. I bet you are too now, we’re so alike!
In the email below, you say, in your warm and fuzzy voice, that 3 -5 days shipping after ordered and up to 14 working days until delivery – well, that by my maths, is August 32nd 2078. But someone here at work pointed out it was actually last week.
Because we’re such good buddies, I would also like to point out that in your email below…….well, you did address it to me and not to the book place. (I’m ignoring that you called me Mr Sinclair, but I’ll let it slide as you probably didn’t want to let them know how close we are) Are you trying to draw this out so we keep in contact? That’s so you!
I look forward to hearing from you again and again and again and again.
Your good friend and mine, me.
PS: Mr Whinkey says hi.
Subject: Re: Your payment to David Thorne
Date: Sun, 8 Aug 2010 20:31:16 -0400
I have checked your status and apparently your order was processed long ago.
Perhaps the additional few hits per week, by referencing the 27b/6 name, to your blog, is fuelling the pretence of a missing book.
You do not get a third book sent out – your previous emails were more entertaining than this one.
It took me a few reads to fully realise out what he just said. After gathering myself and pushing down my initial thoughts of reply I went on to answer Mr Thorne…
Subject: RE: Your payment to David Thorne
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 2010 11:37:38 +1000
Now this is an interesting turn of events isn’t it?
Basically, correct me if I’m wrong, you just called me a liar and a fame hound.
Where I comes from, thems fighten words.
“Pretence of a missing book” you say. When a book doesn’t show up Dave, that’s not a pretence, that’s a fact. That the order was “processed long ago”, while interesting, is irrelevant. Kind of like Megan Fox. I don’t have your book. I never received your book, so I keep asking for your book. See how that works?
As for the oh so subtle insinuation (and by subtle, I of course mean, not) that our little tait-a-tait is being done for hits on my blog, you may notice that nobody actually reads my blog and it is done for the amusement of a few of my friends, so why would I be chasing more hits? And additionally, you’ll notice that I haven’t posted any of our discussions since the initial one. That, of course will now change.
And connected to that – the only way you would have found my blog is if you were searching for references about your good self. How black is that kettle Mr Pot?
For a bloke who has become semi-well known for wit and cleverness, I can see in our little discussions that in real life, the reality just doesn’t seem to live up to the pretence. And back to Megan Fox again.
In the absence of your book, I was quite enjoying our little chats, more from my side than your monosyllabic responses, but enjoying them nonetheless.
And then you called me a liar.
I may be several things Mr Thorne, an annoying emailer, maddeningly stubborn, an excellent parallel parker and one hell of a lover, but there is one thing I’m not (two if you count duck wrangler) and that is a liar. It was all very amusing up to that point, but my self respect is worth more than receiving a book I’ve paid for and never received. And because of that, I simply say – fuck you.
I hope you really enjoy your well earned $27.86USD.
To be honest, the book’s arrival was always going to be a letdown. I had been having far too much fun hassling him that anything else would be a bit of a downer. And then he turned. I can abide many things in this world, but when someone pointedly accuses me of deception and fraud, well, Mr Charming will take a back seat to self respect every time. Nobody gets to impugn my integrity and have me simply let it go.
And Dave, if you’re reading this, and I’m sure you are, I repeat my sentiment with a full and heavy heart – go fuck yourself.