Conversations with a hit man

It’s not every day you get to have a chat with a self confessed hit man.  But that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.  Well, sort of.  Let me explain…
I have a couple of personal email addresses.  I have a Hotmail one basically for orders, newsletters and recently, spam.  I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, a few months ago I began to be inundated with Spam.  Normally it’s the usual, ‘You’ve won the English lottery’, ‘I am an honest businessman from Bakina Faso needing to put $US10 million in your bank account’, or the laziest – this is Microsoft, give us your name, address and bank details, thanks’.  But then I received something new.  A little email that stood out.  Something that said I was a dead man.
Here’s the (edited down) email:
From: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Subject: ACT FAST!
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 2010 16:17:14 +0000
This is the only way I could contact you for now,I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where I am from.I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation.I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer. It’s someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations he leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them,because if you do, I will know,and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job. I took pity on you,that is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.
Now listen I need just $3,000. And you have to send it through western union or money Gram; I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extended to your family. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part of the payment of $2,000 first,which will serve as guarantee that you are ready to you co-operate,then i will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against him before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $1,000 once you receive the tape.
Warning; do not contact the police, make sure you stay indoors once it is 7.30pm until this whole thing is sorted out,if you neglect any of these warnings, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately.
Don Shotgun
For a start, if Don Shotgun (if that’s his real name) was such a nice guy and was offering to disregard his boss, why then would he say he’d go after my family if I refused?  And later he says he’s under the control of his boss anyway.  It’s almost like someone was making it up as he went along, but we know that couldn’t be true.  He’s a hit man – he said it on the internets.
I do like the way he also signs off with ‘regards’.  If there’s one thing I demand in my hit men, its politeness.
Also, using the oh so disguised name of “david_trujillo86” would lead me to believe that this bloke is not actually called Don Shotgun after all.  A murderer AND a liar?  Well, that and bad spelling and grammar.  This I could not let stand!
So I responded:
From: Stacy K
Subject: RE: ACT FAST!
To: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Date: Wednesday, November 24, 2010, 11:21 PM
Oh my god!  Thank you thank you thank you!
I’m shaking so much right now.  I never would have thought I would be the target of a hit man!
I bet it was those bitches at the wedding when I grabbed to bouquet.
What do I do?
How do I get you this money?  I don’t want to die!
Those that are paying attention will note I changed names – and gender – to talk to our mate Don.  It didn’t seem to bother him.
From: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Subject: RE: ACT FAST!
To: Stacy K
 Date: Nov 25, 2010 at 8:03 PM
Here is the info on you will send the money and you have sent it through the western union with the below stated details and you have just a day to do that or else ..
Name: Donald Mark
Address: calle luna 23, 28675 Madrid Spain
Text Question : For Who
Text Answer : Donald Mark
And immediately you send the money kindly get back to me with these following details.
Sender Name and Address
MTCN Number
Amount Sent.
Madrid?  This dude must have the longest rifle scope ever.  And yet another name?  Don, I’m beginning to doubt your cool last name.
From: Stacy K
Subject: RE: ACT FAST!
To: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Date: Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 10:25 AM
Wow, OK.
I’m willing and able to pay up.  But $3000 is, you know, a lot of money.  I don’t earn as much as you’d think between my stripping, can collecting and Denise Drysdale impersonations.
Can you give me some indication if you have the right Stacy?  Just to be 100%, you understand.  Are you sure they didn’t mean Stacy’s mom, because she’s got it going on?
Here’s a question.  How come you need my name and address?  I thought you had been following me around?  Wouldn’t you have all that information?  Just asking.
Please tell me how long I’ve got.  I don’t want to go to work dead tomorrow.
Thank you.
Valid questions, no?  Plus a Fountains of Wayne reference, so, bonus.
From: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Subject: RE: ACT FAST!
To: Stacy K
 Date: Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 9:19 PM
I don’t just have enough to say than if you love yourself just go and deposit the sum of $2000 and if you think you are wise just wait and see..
I love myself.  But I also loved stringing these guys out.
From: Stacy K
Date: Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 11:50 AM
Subject: Re: ACT FAST!
To: Don Gunshot
Yo Donnie,
And see what exactly?
Being all ambiguous like that could really mean anything you realise.
You going to place a bomb in my cornflakes? Maybe give me a foot rub?  It’s so hard to tell.
OK Wizard of Oz time, let’s draw the curtain and call a spade a spade.  Or, more appropriately, a scam a scam.
Has this scam ever worked? I’m genuinely intrigued. I’m sure you have your reasons, but a death threat is going a bit far don’t you think?
Do you get many people actually giving you money because they think they’re going to get whacked?
And he never responded.  And that is where it was left.  I never even posted it on the blog because it was a bit of an anti climax.  It wasn’t until the other day when a comedian was talking about spam that I remembered my mate Don.  So, on a whim I decided to open the Stacy email account which I hadn’t touched in months.  And this is what I discovered:
From: Don Gunshot <David-Trujillo>
Subject: RE: ACT FAST!
To: Stacy K
 Date: Fri, Jan 12, 2011 at 6:23 PM
Dear Stacy K,
You are smart person.  Yes no contract on your are safe. However I have question. At which points did we not feel like real? We are poor men looking to make money we do not wish to hurt people; can you tell me when you not believe.  We want money quick so dont want misunderstanding.Please help.
Regards and God bless.
Yeah, you read that right.  Mr alleged hit man was coming back to me/Stacy and asking advice on how he could better scam innocent folk out of their hard earned.  At first I was amused, then quite frankly, pissed off.  I had no way of leaping through the screen to punch this guy, but felt like it.  I even had visions of sending him a computer virus and really letting him have it, but soon realised I don’t have the technical wherewithal or mates who were that evil.  Pity.
We may laugh at how folks fall for such scams, (I’m assuming you’re pretty tech savvy here, you’re reading a blog) but there are genuinely gullible people out there falling for scams every day.  I’m sure there are unfortunate dupes under the impression that someone close to them has called in a hit.  You wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
OK, maybe Daryl Summers, but that’s it.
OK, Kyle Sandilands.